Recipe: Tzatziki

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I recall the conversation I had with my friend today.  Just as ladies share sexual tips and secrets, so do they also share cooking secrets and recipes too. I’d had my friend’s Tzatziki numerous times and the addiction grew from there. Finally she shared the recipe! Although sex secrets are shared, one needs to adapt it to ones own liking, for ones own taste and the same can be said about food. With this Tzatziki recipe, it’s all about the taste on the tongue and adapting it to your own liking; hence why none of the ingredients are measured exactly.

Ingredients

Cucumber

Lemon juice (in a bottle preferrably)

Garlic (crushed, not fresh)

Greek yohurt

Method

1.       Peel the cucumber length ways down its shaft. Then grate finely into a bowl and remove some of the liquid from the bowl – too much cucumber juice will make the Tzatziki too lubricated and runny.

2.       Add in a few spoons of Greek yogurt (I like full cream for this. I’ll work it off later in the bedroom.)

3.       Add a squeeze or two of lemon juice and a teaspoon or so of garlic.

4.       Stir and combine all ingredients.  Always taste as you go with this recipe. Add a little more garlic or lemon juice to get that tang on the tongue.

5.       Serve with fresh bread and enjoy.

This recipe is like a great sex position secret. It becomes an addition that you must have all the time.

 

 

Recipe: Braised Broccoli Rabe with penne

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand in my kitchen  looking through my vegetarian cook book. It can be said that a food preference is the same as a sexual preference  - it’s either one or the other, or in some cases both. You either like meat or you only eat veg; or you eat both. The same can be said about your sexual nature – you are either gay, lesbian or hetro-sexual... or sometimes you enjoy a little bit of both.

Ingredients

• 1 pound broccoli rabe, tough stems trimmed (here, we don’t enjoy a hard shaft)
• 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil (we like the virgins in this case)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon dried rosemary
• 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 5 cups vegetable broth or chicken broth (broth or stock is like a drinkable Viagra – it enhances the experience)
• A packet of whole-wheat pasta, such as penne
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• Freshly ground pepper , to taste
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts, toasted (nuts are better when warmed up)

Method

1.        Cook the broccoli rabe in a steamer until bright green and crisp.  Let the broccoli sweat and lubricate itself with its own moisture. Drain and refresh under cold running water. Chop coarsely.

2.       Combine oil, garlic, rosemary and crushed red pepper in a large pot; cook by stirring, over medium heat, until fragrant. Add broth and bring to a boil. Add pasta. Increase heat to medium-high and cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the pasta is tender and most of the liquid is absorbed. Add the broccolli. Season with salt and pepper.

3.       Serve in bowls, sprinkle with walnuts. Enjoy the veg-way for dinner, as you’ll be enjoying the sausage later.

 

 

Cooking time

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and think about cooking methods and cooking duration. Cooking time, like sex, revolves around duration. Sometimes it lasts long and sometimes it's quick.

Cooking methods

Roasting, smoking, baking and stewing are like those long sex sessions. It's slow, lasts long and just as the meat slides off the bone after being under one of these cooking methods - so do you feel like your legs are going to fall off your body after one of these long sex sessions.

Flashbaking, searing, stir frying and blanching are like those quick "wham, bam, thank you mam'" sex sessions. It's hot and heavy and lasts a few minutes. After searing the meat it needs to relax and the same can be said about your body after one of these 'quickies'.

Pressure cooking is taking a meal, or meat, that requires a long time to cook but cooking it in a pressurised pot so that it takes less time to cook. It's like wanting to have a long sex session but trying to cram it into a 'quickie' - every second counts.

Double steaming can be said to be like two sex sessions in one. This is when the first session leaves the woman without climaxing and she makes him go again, within the time frame of 5 minutes, in order for her orgasm. 

Braaiing, or barbecuing, requires marination of the meat. Although this cooking method is generally quick, it actually requires a long cooking preparation time, similar to that of the first mentioned methods. Marination is like foreplay.  You have to get the 'meat' ready before you 'put it on the flame'.

Deep frying is a mixture of slow cooking methods and the 'quickie' methods. It encompasses the long duration of the long cooking methods, with the 'heat' of the 'quickie' methods.

...When it comes to cooking - always deep fry.

 

Recipe: Thai Green Curry

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look through my recipe book.  I am in the mood for some Thai Green Curry. To me a curry - with all its herbs, spices and long list of ingredients -  is like those ‘messy’ sex sessions where you have many ‘ingredients’ in one ‘meal’ – the sex toys, the chocolate body paint and strawberries, the sexy outfits and lubricants. It’s like throwing everything into one pot, or session, and it comes out great!

Ingredients

Thai green curry paste

Coconut milk

2 chicken breasts

Trimmed green beans (always trim the green bean)

3 spring onions

2 red chillies

Coriander

A good squirt of lime, or juice of half a lime

Method

1.        Heat a wok until it is very hot. A wok is like that gold dildo, amongst the plethora of dildos you have, that you only bring out once in a while. With all the pots and pans you use regularly, a wok is a kitchen utensil that only needs to come out once in a while; and like that gold dildo... it makes its star appearance.

2.       Add a tablespoon of oil to the surface which is now yearning for some lubrication. When the oil is hot, add the Thai green curry paste and stir to release the aromas for about 30 minutes. Let the fragrance penetrate your nose and arouse it.

3.       Add coconut milk and stir until the mixture starts to simmer and all the curry paste is dissolved.

4.       While the sauce is cooking through, wash and chop the vegetables. Chop the chicken breasts into small strips. Add to the mixture and stir to combine. Add small sticks of chilli (you gotta love the heat!)

5.       Stir while simmering until the meat and vegetables are cooked.

6.       Add some chopped coriander five minutes before the meal is completely finished and stir into the curry.

7.       When the cooking is finished, add the lime juice and stir. Sometimes a meal, and sex, need a bit of zing!

8.       Served with steamed rice and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

The seven deadly sins

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I start to think about food, sex and sin. In some people’s eyes sex is a sin, but what about food? Yes, food is something we have to consume to survive but some people (infact most of them) also see sex as something we need to survive. But as one can have ‘sinful’ sex, so too can one have ‘sinful’food. Here we take a look at food from the ‘seven deadly sins’ perspective.

Lust

Lust, an intense desire, is usually thought of as excessive sexual wants but can also involve the intense desire of food. Nothing speaks more of desire, when it comes to food, then dessert and no dessert is more lustful then triple chocolate mousse cake. With layers of dark chocolate, bittersweet chocolate and milk chocolate all drenched in chocolate ganache and chocolate flakes – I lust for this chocolate heaven.

Greed

Greed, like lust and gluttony, is a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of material possessions. Greed is also an inordinate desire to acquire or possess more than one needs. It’s like buying 50 cans of tinned caramel and 65 cans of condense milk and storing it in your cupboard – when you know you’ll never get around to using them all.

Sloth

Sloth is sometimes defined as physical laziness and laziness, or being lethargic, is sometimes caused by over eating. The perfect sloth meal would be in the form of a Sunday Roast. You pile your plate with 6 roast potatoes; 3 types of veg; Yorkshire puddings; rice; half the actual roast and a drowning of gravy. Stuffing yourself stupid ends up with you bloated and sleeping on the couch for the rest of the day. The sloth always has his tummy full and eyes closed.

Wrath

Wrath may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. When I think of anger, I think of heat. And when it comes to food, nothing says heat more then chillies and curry. The ideal wrath meal would be a hot curry made with bird eye chillies. Nothing says I hate you more than ‘blowing someone’s head off’ with chillies.

Envy

Envy, similar to jealousy, is characterised by an insatiable desire for something which one then covets. It’s like getting two different already-made meals from Woolworths. I get the macaroni with bacon and my husband gets spinach cannelloni. Although in the mood for the macaroni when at the store, I now want the spinach cannelloni. I’m envious of my husband and his meal and being envious results in me eating his meal (I guess I’ll have to be spanked for it later.)

Pride

This is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self. Thinking of pride, I automatically think of meals served at top Michelin star restaurants ... you know those over pretentious dishes where you need a magnifying glass to see what’s on the plate. Although costing an arm and a leg, these dishes are filled with explosive taste, like nothing that has ever touched your tongue before. The way the dishes are plated and made screams pride (I mean it takes 3 days, with constant love and attention from the chef, to make a tiny spec of puree.) Also, just looking at the dish you feel rich... you are filled with pride.

Gluttony

This is an over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of wastage. When thinking of food in this regard, it's like ordering ten supersized Big Mac Meals and only finishing 6 of the meals. Selfishness also comes with gluttony, placing concern with one's own interests above the interests of others. So even though there is a homeless person outside watching you stuff your face, you'll keep all the burgers to yourself and not share with him.

Recipe: Champagne Peaches

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and admire the peaches in my fruit basket. There’s something about a peach that resembles a man’s buttock – its firm, small, round and sometimes is covered in fuzz.  And when it comes to the buttock, it’s all about having the perfect ‘peach bum’.

Ingredients

2 large ripe peaches

2 cups champagne

1/2 cup syrup

1/2 small vanilla pod

3 large strawberries

2 tablespoons castor sugar

1/4 medium lemon, squeezed for juice

1 cup whipped cream

2 large mint leaves

Method

1.       Make a very light incision all around peach skins. Plunge the peaches briefly into boiling water, then into cold water and peel; undressing softly.

2.       Place peaches in a shallow pan and douse with champagne. (The more the better as a little alcohol in the kitchen goes a long way in the bedroom.) Add the syrup and vanilla. Bring to a slow boil over low heat and poach peaches, but do not boil them. The riper the peach, the quicker the poach.

3.       Place peaches and syrup in a cool place, but do not refrigerate. Everything relaxes in room temperature and shrivels when cold – so make sure the peaches are not cooled completely as you want them to be flaccid and relaxed.

4.       Drain peaches, reserving the poaching liquid. This poaching liquid is the same as sex lubricant – it’s like gold.

5.       Wash strawberries; remove any leaves and purée in a blender.

6.       Place in a bowl and stir sugar into the purée.

7.       Stir whipped cream into the strawberry purée and add lemon juice. (Just like every spot on the body needs to be touched during sex, so does every taste bud in the mouth needs to be touched when eating – so the sweet sugar and the sour lemon juice hit the g-spot taste buds in the mouth.)

8.       Serve on round plates or small bowls. Here, size doesn’t matter so if it’s small it’s fine. Lay the strawberry cream first on the dish and then arrange the cooled, but not chilled, peaches on top.

9.       Garnish each peach with a mint sprig. (Lingerie decorates the body and mint decorates this dish.)

10.    Serve the chilled poaching liquid separately in a sauce boat. The poaching liquid fulfils the function as chocolate body paint - it adds sweetness to the experience.

11.    Devour and enjoy. (Although not your typical strawberry and cream dish which is sometimes used during the journey of sex, it still has a sense of sexiness about it.)

Take out

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With my black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I look through my take away menus. I slave away for my man in the kitchen to make him weekly dinners, so it's now time for him to slave away for me and get us take out. Cooking is sexy, but so is take out.

KFC
With a slogan sporting the sexual words "Finger lick'en good", KFC is the perfect take out for your man as most men enjoy a little finger fun... that is good for licking. 

Debonairs
If you're one for threesomes or foursomes, you should be ordering Debonairs. This slogan - "Everybody tuck in" - is very appropriate for those who enjoy these ventures. I'm not one for 'Debonairs,' so I'll give this take out a miss.

Something Fishy
Something Fishy's slogan, "Just one bite and you're hooked", screams oral sex.  Yet again this take out is perfect for your man and after one bite of your take out, he'll be hooked. Although enjoyed by my man, I'm not one for the fish - so I'll give this one a miss too.

MacDonald's
Macdonald's well known slogan "I'm lov'in it" describes every time I eat this take out, as well as everytime I do a little lov'in with my man. So because I'm lov'in it, this'll be the take out for tonight! I'll be lov'in my food now... and lov'in my man later.